Gossip Girl: You Can’t Escape Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl is like Perez Hilton. That bitch is everywhere, and she just don’t quit.

What a great season finale!!! It was especially great compared to that crap-fest of last week’s flashback episode. Anyway, it was gratifying to see so much “resolved” within the hour – of course, only to have it unraveled again next season.

Stuff I loved:

LOVE – BLAIR LOOKED GREAT!!! LOVE!
Gorgeous! Perfect!

SO PRETTY!!!

SEXY.

LOVE – Blair naming Jenny “Queen”. Love.

*giggle* “Not enough!” *smile*

LOVE – Wrapping up the stupid Ponzi scheme subplot quickly with a brief phone call from Regina. No unnecessary bull crap. Love.

LOVE – Serena’s stupid ass and Carter Basin’s stupid ass together. Great! I love it. Keeps them quarantined from other human beings for awhile. LOVE.

LOVE – They bring back the Dan/Serena/Eric/Jenny half-bro plot line by finally freakin’ showing the guy. Love.

LOVE – CHUCK AND BLAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVELOVELOVE!Yaaaaaaay. SO romantic! Better than Disney. But still with white people. Yaaaay!

Stuff that was NOT OK!!!

Not OK – Serena wears JUST her graduation tassel in her hair because she’s soooo free-spirited? Not OK.Stupid hippie.

Not OK – Serena repurposing a Snuggie and/or Slanket as an excuse to show side boob. NOT OK.

Losing model in a Project Runway Slanket challenge.

Not OK – Lily and Rufus tokin’? Weird. Not O.K.

Not OK – Georgina coming back next season. AUGHGHGHGHGHGH!!! Nothing makes me angrier than seeing Michelle Trachtenburg’s name in the credits. Blood pressure rising. NOT OKAY!!!

Not OK – EVERYONE going to NYU?! NOOOOOT OK.

Closing Thoughts:
This season was definitely hit or miss, but the overall Gossip Girl essence was maintained: drama, fashion, humor, side boob. I’m glad that the show is continuing on, but is college gonna make it better (Gilmore Girls), mediocre (Beverly Hills, 90210), weirder (Boy Meets World) or completely fucking ridiculous (Saved By the Bell)?

All I can say is, I want the fashion to keep going, but you can’t possibly have me believe that these guys are gonna run from class to class in Lincoln Town Cars and stilettos…right? I mean, what NYU student always dresses up to go to class? OK, maybe Korean girls, but come on!!! Can we get Blair some pants?

Also, I am dreading this BS that they are gonna live in the dorms – especially with Regina there. WHERE will Blair put her clothes! At least have her and Serena share an outrageously large duplex in the West Village (after she somehow gets herself kicked out of Brown and transfers to NYU due to some shenanigans). I also can’t wait for how lame they’re going to make college parties look.

Well, what the future holds we won’t know for another 3 months, but for now, let us bask once again in the kiss heard around the world:AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! No matter WHAT happens, we’ll always have this moment! ALWAYS! This happened!

Question of the week:
What do you look forward to next season?

Gossip Girl: Let’s Stick to ONE Show

OK, so this week we had a terrible situation where the new flashback/door pilot, “Valley Girls” was as seamlessly integrated into the regular Gossip Girl as B&T crowds in Williamsburg. (You can shop at H&M, you can shop at Forever 21, but we draw the line at STRAWBERRY.)

And speaking of Williamsburg, I live near Hipsterville, USA and basically everyone I see looks like this:

An Olsen Twin and a quirky video artist with second hand boots. See your outfits next month at Beacon’s Closet!

It’s great.

So we had a super rad time watching the show Monday night, though! Christina was back in town. Amelia and I wore our Team Blair shirts, and EVERYONE wore headbands – including Tom and our friend Samantha’s 19 month old, Olivia, who squealed with delight anytime we had a group reaction to anything on the show This show is cross-generational.

Everyone was in agreement that Blair’s dress was GORGEOUS:
Pretty fantasy dress!

Let’s take a closer look:

Still pretty!!!!!!

Chuck was also very dapper (words of Tom) in his tux, which was a total throwback to the Dean Martin/Rat Pack days:

Pass this guy a Cuban.

Huge issue with Serena’s dress, which looks neither Jenny-designed nor fitting with the “let’s show off Blake’s new cans” theme. I’m not computing:
Low boob dress.

Some stuff that WAS awesome: Good looks of Rufus + Techno savvy of Zack Morris = WUTWUT!

And “To the Impala!”? GREAT. Amazing. But that’s all you’re good for, “Valley Girls”. That and a montage of Brittany Snow (who can’t act) trying on as many camel toe-enabling outfits as she can. It’s like the opening sequence of the “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” movie. Or “Clueless”. Or the original “Valley Girl” movie. All movies that did it better – and when Melissa Joan Hart has you beat, it’s time to give up!

Unfortch, this trip to La La Land left SO MANY things unresolved:
-HELLO, Georgina/Poppy Lifton situation
-Rufus’ mangina
-Dan going to Yale? Maybe now’s the time to take that full scholarship to Smith. -Not that we care, but Serena and Gabe
-Eric quota unfulfilled
-Need more Vitamin Water references
-CHUCK AND BLAIRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Let’s take one last look at Blair’s wonderfulness:
As iconic as any of Carrie’s dresses.

I can’t believe that the season is over, but I must say that although I <3 this show forever and ever, it so went downhill during the second half of the season. WTF?! Ughhh, new writers. There was that whole 2 month gap, and then THIS crap?! I can’t deal – let’s hope for a better season three.

After watching this episode, we played the GG “Never Have I Ever” Game, which Amelia brought over:
http://www.amazon.com/Imagination-Gossip-Girl-Board-Game/dp/B001DZN2II

Favorite Question: “Never have I ever drank on school property like that time Georgina sent a case of champagne to S.”

Let me tell you, it was great! And we weren’t even drunk…. Tom even joined the fun with us girls and invented his own acronym: OMGWAIGR (Oh my God, WHAT am I gonna roll?!). It takes a real man.

Who Wants To Download a Kirk Cameron Movie?!

This episode got off to a slooow start. It took about 20 minutes before I even started writing anything down, ugh. Nothing of importance ever happens when they play that “mischievous” pizzacato violin music….

If you look like this on Day Two, there’s no such thing as a “walk of shame”.

Favorite things about this episode:

“Faux-cialate”!

This kids solving crimes was SOOO “The Boxcar Children”!

The writers wants us to believe that Georgina is the same size as Blair! Not with those big bones….

What? They didn’t have Wii Fit in the woods?

“Are you a Carrie? I’m a Charlotte!” Hahaha.

I loved this confrontation between Chuck and Blair at the hotel bar. How does Leighton Meester get the tear-perfect take? Whatever, it ain’t over.

I was reminded to download Kirk Cameron movies, like this sci-fi fantasy drama set in Spain: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0190524/

Worst things about this episode:

How come all these Dove Fresh “Real NYC Stories Revealed” feature girls who work in fashion? UGHHHH!

Lily is nuts, dude! Giving her man money behind his back, arresting her own daughter and wearing a prom up do in the daytime?!

Um, you crazy.

Poppy and Georgina were at Shi in Long Island City for the last scene! I think it’s great that GG shoots a LOT in LIC (including CommuniTea cafe in the past), but this one was super obvious. We know who to blame as mainstream America continues to think that Queens is like Eddie Murphy’s “Coming to America”.

Who has club bathroom lighting for their mug shot? Did Lily have them build a photo studio and hire Gilles Bensimon to take the picture too?!

Yes, please do put her the hell away!

Georgina flip flops. UGHHH, who is this pair of Havaianas?! If you’re gonna Stepford it out, don’t bait ‘n switch after one episode!

I’m excited to see the 80s flashbacks next week of Lily ROSE. However, I don’t know if the new series will really have legs. We’ll see!

Question of the Week:
How did Rufus fubar his proposal to Lily:
a) He didn’t bring matches.
b) It was during the middle of the day
c) Who eats ribs and scallops in the middle of the day?!
d) ______________________________ (write your own)

GG Should Stay Away From Financial Intrigue

I loved the opening scene where Nate was trying to teach Blair how to get on the subway: “Please don’t ask this of me.” I love our little drama queen!

Love the coat, not so hot on the bag.

*
I was a little annoyed by a continuity issue though: they have totally shown Blair and Serena downtown before – and in fact, they’ve even shown them in Soho (which is where Nate and Blair were, although I think they were trying to portray the neighborhood as the East Village/NYU?). UGHH,

ANYWAY, why all the hating on Murray Hill? Nate TOTALLY looks like one of those collar up “bro” dudes in Murray/Curry Hill who walks around in their college letters. Though if he really wants to live equidistant between NYU/Columbia, that would be more like Koreatown, my friend.

Dude, dude, dude. Bro. Yeah bro, let’s grab some brews after the Zog game. Let’s go to Ginger Man, dude! Dude!!! Bro! Braaaaa?

*
I’ve really had enough of this do-gooder tobacco baron! EWWW. He’s the only person who mumbles more than Serena. “Serena didn’t steal me. She swept me away.” Because she’s so exquisite? Ugh, God. Also, this guy’s hotel room looks like the lounge of a MePa ladies’ room. I hate this storyline, and I REALLY didn’t have the patience to hear about all that crap about Butter…which, BY THE WAY, is right near NYU.

Whatever, it’s time for a picture of Blair:

GORGEOUS, are you kidding me?! I love this girl.

*
BTW, Dorota’s a Mets fan?! Awesome!!!

Also, did anyone else catch the Dove “Real NYC Stories Revealed”? This week they had Chrissie Miller aka Jenny Humphrey +20 years.

This episode annoyed me on many levels – I thought the Blair-Nate-Chuck thing was so tired. PLUS, I don’t want any further Georgina nonsense. She was HILARIOUS as a brain washed Salvation Army camp counselor. On Serena: “I have so much love in my heart for that girl.” Awesome! Scientology is working out for you! Just leave her in the damn woods, Chuck!

Just leave her to Popsicle sticks and pipe cleaner crafts, Chuck. Just because you are dressed like P. Diddy’s manservant doesn’t mean you can’t travel alone!

*
Now let’s turn to the middle class honkies on this show:

First of all, thank god they added a little more volume to Jenny’s hair!

Second, YES to Rufus selling the Lincoln Hawk catalog!!! “Every time you walk away or run away, You take a piece of me with you there….” Hallmark singing card! Bam! Right there! Or maybe a a cell phone commercial? Nike walking/running shoes? I don’t know, the possibilities are endless.

License that shit, make tons of money like Moby, and then your kids won’t have to “chip in” to buy an ugly ass engagement ring for their dad’s girlfriend. Because WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT RING?! It looked like some SkyMall catalog recreation of a LOTR ring – hideo! Lily does not wear things that look like they are from the craft fair at Union Square – even if it is “vintage”!!!

And finally, someone on this show has a BEER!!! Leave it to Vanessa to have manlier tastes than any of the “men” on this show. However, I have to say that it looked a little wack how she was tamely sipping on one bottle with the rest of the six pack neatly displayed on the table. Set dressers: if you are seriously upset, you don’t even bother to take it out of the bag…right?! People, am I right?!

Unforch, I think that GG has been a little derailed. First of all, it seems like Blair likes NEITHER Nate nor Chuck, so can we just move on and focus on getting her some other love interests? Do we really want to go down this plot line about a bunch of high schoolers getting involved in some Ponzi scheme? Not really looking forward to next week’s episode.

And I’m ESPECIALLY not looking forward to next season, where I’m sure we’ll see these kids living “on their own” in massive, decked out apartments in trendy neighborhoods. Also, I like the taboo-ness of watching HIGH SCHOOLERS sleep around with each other. Watching college students in post-coital conversation is like watching pigs eat slop – who cares?!

So anyway guys, what’s MOB? Vote:
a) Most Official Bitch
b) Mail-order Bride
c) Money Over Bitches/Member Of Bloods
d) ________________________ (write your own)

GG Note: I Love These People As If They Were My Own Dolls That I Sometimes Play With When I’m Feeling Alone

As every modern writer (aka blogger) knows, there will be in a moment in your life when you accidentally closed your browser/shut down your computer without saving draft.

Yeah, you get it.

So, I don’t have my original blow-by-blow, but how about a few highlights?

……….
OVERALL
This episode rocked. My. Fucking. World. I thought it was hilarious, and one of the better-paced episodes (although I do appreciate a good simmering poignant moment here and there). Reasons for the success: reducing Rufus/Lily to the comic relief buffoons they SHOULD be, no more Nate-Vanessa nonsense, and hello – CYRUS IS BACK (cue Jock Jams IV)!

Also, Lady + Lady = Special Tinglies^n

Fancy schoolgirls getting cozy makes me feel like a 50-year-old civil engineer reading Blender magazine on Sunday night with a glass of cabernet because I’m “interested in music” and too scared to buy that “Big Butt Magazine” that I always see at subway newsstands.

……….
MUSIC
Speaking of life pumping beats, the soundtrack on this epi was kickin, too! I loved the Verve Remixed vibe of the cocktail party, following around our gal Blair with “Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t My Baby?” and “Whatever Lola Wants (Lola Gets).”

On the flip side, I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate that Flo Rida crap, but it was a cute little way to underscore the “Hey, these ociety events are going to crap in a funny way!” portion of the story. Take THAT, Flo Rida – your shit is cute! Like Peeps. And my boyfriend’s white ass.

PS <3 the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs song.

……….
SERENA
I love that we are continuing this NCR paper cycle of:

“I am so ‘wild’ and ‘crazy’, but then I find this guy I have a ‘CRAZY’ connection with, but then I realize that maybe I’m really not that ‘crazy’ after all, because he wants to be in this open relationship, and I just don’t think I’m ready for that. Right…? I mean, oh GOD…maybe I’m just being too unadventurous and…immature! I mean, I just want to like, LIVE, you know? I just want to explore. I just want to be a free spirit like…like…oh my God…oh my GOD…like…like MOM?!

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS COME BACK TO YOU, MOM??? I HATE you! I am so SICK and TIRED of you being a nymphomaniac who was a subpar role model for me, Serena, who is SICK and TIRED of always trying to be perfect, and always trying to be what everyone ELSE wants me to be because I have no idea who I am, so how can I be who I AM?!?! I guess….? Ugh, I have to talk to Blair, but her problems are more earth shattering than mine this week. UGHHH. Eric????????????”

……….
THINGS I HATE
Corporal Ugly McTotallyDon’tLookLikeMyNameShouldBeGabrielQuestionMark? That dude is like a future Madoff on the sleaze scale. Why do they continue to find these uncharismatic Barneys for Serena? This guy is the rolled oat to Aaron Rose’s granola. BOOOOOO. Refund!!! Refund, please! Can you please credit that back to my card? OK, thanks.

Oh…REGINA is coming back? PUKE.

Everyone was always going to end up at a college in the city. Now we just know how it’s going to FUCKING play out. Blair, go to NYU. Nate, go to Columbia. Serena, go to FIT. Dan, go to Barnard.

Jenny + Chuck = Weird Moment. CW, DO NOT tell adolescent girls that it’s ok to date their almost-rapist because said almost-rapist has “changed”, and that’s what guys will do for you if you are pretty and thin enough.

GG Remains of the J: Seriously, Nate is so Gay….

I loved Blair’s “Little Women” outfit.

Louisa MAY I Borrow that TOP?!

*

However, I loved this outfit the most:

HOW do you make wool hot?! How do you do that?! By being Blair FUCKING Waldorf!!!
*

Thank God for Blair’s classic tastes, because the artsy fartsy level of this episode was totally out of hand.

First, there was Poppy’s awful helmet bob haircut.

Christina Ricci already tried this in Speedracer. Let it go – this flapper look’s just not gonna happen. Don’t even get me started on Mr. Mumbly McGee von Collagen Lips Boyfriend over there, either.

*

And then, there was that weird video installation moment with the time-lapse snow falling through a window in Brooklyn. Whaaaa???

And plus, HELLO…the Misshapes were there?

How 2005.

*

BLECH.

Above all, Serena was the most annoying she’s EVER been in this episode. Whining about being “In a rut”…. Foisting a society party on Jenny’s Hungry Hungry Hippo-fest! Over-texturizing her hair so much that dreadlocks were spontaneously forming at the roots?! You gotta be kidding me! If it’s THIS or boobs, I choose boobs.

Then there was that whole business when Nate called Dorota to find out where to meet Blair in Central Park so that they could have their first kiss?!?! HOW LAAAAAAAAME. WHAT a loser! Now all the little girls across the country will be dreaming of some guy doing that for them someday, but it’ll never happen because the only guys who would ever even conceive of doing that are GAY (or will be, eventually)!!!

Hey! Tom and Katie! BREAK IT UUUUUUUP.

*

OK, Chuck and Vanessa is kinda hot, though I will always root for Chuck/Blair – forever, forever, forever!!!!!

I look forward to seeing what’s gonna happen with the Chuck/Vanessa/Nate/Blair love-allelogram, but I hate all that craaaaazy stuff coming back from the past i.e. Serena/Savannah having met Poppy’s ex-boyfriend and Dan’s “fan” possibly being his half brother? The only thing more contrived than these plot points is Tyra Banks trying to be human. Man, if only the CW was a real network, they could save it for DAYTIME…or that cartwheel-over-the-shark, Smallville.

But let’s end on a positive note: Jenny looked great! This outfit was hot/adorable – specially with the red shoes….

Lookin’ cute in Missoni!

*

Question of the week: What is the best couples name mash-up?
a) Nair
b) Nanessa
c) Vuck
d) Chair

GG: Welcome to the Next 30 Years of…Touch Football?!?!

Way to capture the still-snowing-even-though-it’s-technically springtime situation in New York situation! It’s the most realistic thing that has ever been written on this show!!!!!

 

Family crests are the new “Pink Ladies” jackets.

*

First of all, I really liked the Stepford Dudes situation with the Archibalds. Nate’s grandpa helicopters in?! What a pi-yump! He’s like Diddy, yo! Or, like, how I imagine Diddy to be…. Although the clapping when Nate and his grandpa hugged… was…weird…. And I can’t even comment on Nate’s cousin, TRIP! Yowzas. The only name worse than that one is “Topper” aka Tinsley’s husband. THESE PEOPLE ARE INSANE!!!

My favorite thing about this episode was the gorgeous pink and green flower arrangement in the front entrance of Blair’s apartment! PRETTY.

Question: Were Serena and Blair shopping for sunglasses in a house?! An art gallery?! A…museum?! What WAS that?

Although I enjoyed the fleeting presence of Blair’s monumental flower arrangement, my compulsive pause/replay nature was lured out of hiding by Lily’s “list”. I spent about 15 minutes working the HELL outta my DVR to find out who was on Lily’s list of love-ahhhhhhhs – no small task, considering that some sections were covered by my DVR commercial eradicatorl/fast forward bar. However, it was worth the effort! I got every last one of those names except for the few that were actually covered up by something onscreen!

Lily’s Dick Parade:
Darius Menard
Hollis Meminger
Steve Krieger
Pierre Elliot
Randy Manion
James Bono
Ben Noble
Justin Pittman
Chris Nelson
Lindsey Hall
Jeffrey Rehlaender
Lawrence Orvieto
Duncan Bryant
Jeff Christiano
Alan Cohen
Trent Reznor
Slash
Rufus Humphrey
Claus Christiansen
Klaus Richter
Bart Bass

The list that she hid from Rufus (original version):
Robert Antalocy
John Henry
Chris Tonkin
Drew Adams
Jason Fesel
Kevin Slack
Alex Gradet
Stephan Rooney
Joe Van Ness
Stephan Georges

The list that Rufus found in her purse (finished/edited version):
Robert Antalocy
Chris Tonkin
John Henry
Chris DeAngelis
Drew Adams
Jason Fesel
Kevin Slack
Alex Gradet
Stephan Rooney
Joe Van Ness
Stephan Georges
C?????? C????? (Hidden by the crease of the paper)
Ryan Coleman
Petro Ortiz (Finally, a non white guy! Now, show me…DEANDRE!)
Ed Sholes
Tom Blancato
Brian Kenyon
John Patterson
Richard Robbins
John Herket
Matthew Simonelli
William ????? (Obscured by Rufus’ thumb)
George ????? (Obscured by Rufus’ thumb)

Rufus, NEVER go into a lady’s purse!!!! Seriously, I only have two Carmexes, a notebook filled with sad thoughts about the world around me and 3 weeks worth of receipts in my purse, but I’d give my boyfriend a SERIOUS purple nurple if he went into my bag without permission!

And then Rufus “apologizes” by making a list of what Lily likes?! UGHHHHH!!! BLECH!!!!! LAAAAAME!!!! Why didn’t he just pop in the VHS of an old grainy home video (name of band featured tonight!) of Lily baking, giggling and fake-pushing him away?!

*wiping vomit from mouth* So anyway, I really like this twist of Blair and Nate getting back together. It could have been really contrived in theory, but that shit was well executed!

And Blair/Leighton showed all her humanity with these five words:
“Nate, don’t forget your jacket.”

Amazing! Beautiful! What a triumph!!!

However, I still wish that whole old man situation was about her temporarily turning into a high class prostitute for kicks:

Maybe daddy will let her in if she lets HIM in….

GG IS BAAAAAAACK: All the World’s a Stage, and All the UES is Merely Playas!!!!

First of all, I love how Dorota was fondling Blair’s the floofy hairpiece. ALSO awesome that the girl with the weird eyes was Dorota’s maid dopp!

Pat yo weave, girl!

*
And mad shout out to my bud Karen Summerton, who was rockin’ it as a stage manager!

The Baywatch slow-mo of Ms. Carr was COMPLETELY unnecessary, and how the FUCK is she allowed to wear a see-through top as a teacher?!

T-shirt bra is ok. Shopping at American Apparel because it’s really cool and seems inviting because there’s a bench outside is NOT.

*
At least everyone else had the fashion right.

I loved Chuck’s tie in the restaurant scene. He’s the only dude who can do paisley RIGHT!

Bathing like the French in restaurant bathrooms for a week – yet still tanning like an OC housewife….

*
Jenny’s jumper/henley/Colonel Sanders tie/punk necklage melange was cute too!

I liked that she played Nurse to the Dan-Rachel thing, but passing a note?! COME ON!!! Stoooopid! It’s 2009! How can you have two people sending notes in one scene and then someone else having a Cyrano de Bergerac moment via BLUE TOOTH in another! Pick up a phone! Send a cryptic tweet! Even two Dixie cups with a string would be a step up from a stupid ass note! Do you like me?! Check “Yes” or “No”. Let’s see what fold-y paper game says…let’s play MASH!

Maybe if Rufus wasn’t so busy working on the extensive bottle collection he has in the kitchen or shoving his face into a pint of Haagen Daaz, maybe his son wouldn’t be effing his teacher to feel like a real boy.

And how could Dan and Rachel be carrying on in the costumes and prop closet without someone coming into check on…I dunno…the COSTUMES AND PROPS for the show that’s about to happen?!

And Nelly Yuki in a fat suit?! Kind of awesome.

However, I am really confused about the whole early acceptance thing: Why was it such a shock that Nelly got in? Didn’t Serena and Dan already get in early? Can some explain this to me in earnest?

Serena’s scene with Julian made me want to VOM! The Vanessa-Serena Cyrano de Bergerac was Corndog on a Stick (TM), but at least it enabled us to see more of Vanessa’s HOT outfit and awesome necklace!

Let me borrow that dress! Let me borrow that dress! DRESS. Ohmigod, DRESS.

*
Also, why did the set look like an Urban Outfitters?! BOOOOOOO. But the Blair/Dan scene was FUCKING hilarious. It couldn’t have been any better! And as a bonus, Dan’s accent was a knee slapper.

Funniest scene EVER!!!

*

Haha, and could the NY Times critic be more of a gay stereotype?!

I totally saw this guy last Friday at Splash. And then when I left, I saw the girl behind him stumbling towards the PATH train.

*
The best part of this episode is that Blair looked freaking amazing – it was like Blair porn for me. She looked stunning in the backless costume AND her lacey, blousy dress “Age of Innocence”-inspired modern outfit.

You. Are. Perfect.

*

However, no one’s hair looks like that after taking it out of an updo! I know mine is in the shape of a duck with a jerry curl on its tail… At least Serena’s hair looked the wig-iest it’s ever been. Almost Britney level! Barefoot in the bathroom level.

I am satisfied by how Ms. Carr got written out – FOR BEING A BITCH, and that Julian was written out for being gay. It’s a little borrowing from “Clueless”, but whatEVER.

At least Blair and Carter is kinda hot…a million times better than Uncle JACK!!!

Where did they find this Michael Buble-combo-John Mayer Barney?!

Gossip Girl: Eyes Wide SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!

First things first: Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit tickets are on sale!!!
https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/34294

Buy them ASAP – they’ve sold out in less then two days before!!! Now onto this week’s episode:

Blair looks so pretty in the park – her hair is PERFECT! And I loved how Dorota totally put “Mizz Blair” in her place during community service.

The scene with Rachel and Dan talking about his writing made me want to puke.
“I like this story even the last one you showed me. I can really relate to the sense of isolation….” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

And Chuck at an “Eyes Wide Shut Party?!” FINALLY!!!! Thank God for Chuck’s crazy Skulls/Free Mason-inspired adventure. I really can’t take the wack story lines revolving around the new school teacher.

I really liked everyone’s look in this episode. And I LOVED the girls in their multi-colored coats during the first scene at school. Plus, Blair’s speech was awesome: “What we do here today echoes through eternity.” For you, Blair, I AM SPARTACUS!!!

But the no cell phone thing – FINALLY, Constance Billard enters FUCKING reality! However, I’m curious to know how long that policy’s going to last, since many a plot has revolved around in-school texts.

I really loved the bathroom scene too. I’d alway wondered why they didn’t spend more time in there (guess they didn’t have to, with cell phones)! And Dorota looked tiiiight in those LV glasses. HAWT!!! My admiration for all the girls was raised further when they found their respective pink phones almost instantaneously.

Best Blair Quote of the Episode: “With friends like these, who needs friends?”

Best Blair Text of the Episode: “Mary Kay Letourneau” hahaha

Many fashion points went to the pink underskirt/trim on Jenny’s school uniform, but she severely negated it with her sheer shirt and black bra. Plus, if kids aren’t allowed to have cell phones at school, why is Jenny allowed to wear chicken wire over her Colonel Sander’s choker?

Moving onto more serious things, I was really annoyed when Nelly Yuki was identified as the “weak one” and subsequently ratted Blair out. I wanted a full on MUTINY!!! Not another perpetuation of Asian stereotypes…ugh…. They even gave her the YELLOW jacket!!

Et tu Brute?

My favorite outfit of the episode was Blair’s red satin top with florets on the sleeve. I. Want. IT.

Besides being completely annoying, Miss Carr’s apartment is impossibly huge – even for a private school teacher. But I can’t believe she kissed Dan, etc! GROSS. It really grossed me out even though it was in total silhouette – especially when she was unbuttoning his pants. BLUHHHH. That scene made me long for Vanessa and Nate’s love games. But honestly, I don’t care who or what Dan dates until he comes out of the closet. SERIOUSLY.

Wrong choice, Dan!!! In fact, wrong gender.

Question of the Week:

Who is the most annoying couple?
A) Dan/Serena
B) Dan/Rachel (Miss Carr)
C) Nate/Vanessa
D) Nate/Jenny

Gossip Girl: WHAT A GREAT EFFING EPISODE!!!

YEAAAAH, son!!!

And now literally, Chuck is Lily’s son!


This was a masterpiece in GG episodes, but I wouldn’t have known it from the opening scene: Too much plaid! A puppy in a bag?! YOU WATCH GILMORE GIRLS?!?! We get it, Blair’s dad and Blair’s dad’s gay Italian lover: YOU’RE GAAAY!!!

But I have to ask this question in earnest: Do they email people college admissions results nowadays? Is a .pdf attachment the new “big envelope?!” Across the nation, are there choruses of “Did you get a 1KB or a 5MB?!”

Also, hearing that SAT scores are higher than 1600 only made me feel like stocking up on Metamucil and fucking Clarks slip-on mules. And the dumbass-getting-into-Yale story was so Saved By the Bell (Zac getting into Yale and and Jesse only got into Columbia, GODDAMMIT, that’s why she ran away to Las Vegas and became a topless dancer)!

But wouldn’t Serena at Yale be the most hilarious thing!? I can barely see her keeping her head above water at Baruch. But who cares?! The producers are going to find some way to make them all go to NYU anyhow! Plus, Serena can design her own major at Gallatin: Décolletage Studies.

I was severely peeved that Blair just kinda brushed off Serena giving up Yale for her! Yeah, Serena didn’t want to go, so it was kind of like how I “give” other people my banana Runts because I don’t like them, but I know that someone must enjoy them! But still – couldn’t she have shown more appreciation to Serena?!?! UGHHHH. She was rolling around with her cougars-in-training – who were wearing waaay too much leopard print, btw! Just because Betsy Johnson makes it doesn’t mean you have to buy it! Instead, Blair should have been at Sarabeth’s with Serena having crumpets or something.

Anyway, my favorite thing about this episode is Lily and Chuck. I 100% love that they are working together: Lily’s finally using brains of some sort (although their origins are a completely mystery to me) and Chuck is not being a TOTAL dick. But yeah, it was pretty screwed up for Lily to be going out with Rufus right after her husband’s death – WTF?! And that almost-rape scene with Uncle Jack was disturbing. It gave me the chills, and all I could think about was how hard it must have been to shoot that since Kelly Rutherford was pregnant at the time. You have to make it look real, but you don’t want to smoosh the bun in the oven!

Another thing to lovelovelove about this episode as someone who has worked in the arts and music education: the opera! OK, I hate that they made it such an elitist thing (though that’s not totally inaccurate). However, I THOROUGHLY enjoyed Eric’s opera spiel. It was great to hear that sort of scripted enthusiasm come out of a young person. But really, we get it: YOU IS GAAAY! Tone it down, writers. Tone. It. Dooooown.

Serena looked gorgeous on the couch at the opera, but I really thought her boob was going to fly out at one point and there was another “mayday” moment when she flexed her pec, which was half-impressive, half-tranny. I could have gagged during the completely annoying Serena-Dan conversation, but a major plus is that it allowed me to figure out why Serena mumbles: so that her frown lines don’t know. 17-year-olds aren’t supposed to have frown lines! Even Ms. Carr looks younger than Serena.

And BTW, my boyfriend Tom started watching this episode with me tonight (his suggestion, not mine!) and his first question was “Are these people supposed to be under the age of 23?” Oy vey! Although he held it together, he had to leave after Serena’s Yale bail. He just didn’t get why anyone would help out a total bitch. I tried to explain it to him via the phrase “frenemies”, but this made about as much sense as if I had jumped up and down on an ottoman and smashed a banana on my face. Needless to say,Tom still didn’t get it and decided to wash the dishes/take a shower instead…. He literally had to cleanse the awesomeness of GG off his body.

So although I love Blair and she has TONS of redeeming qualities like cute jackets and pretty eyelashes, I am glad that she is finally getting a little pushback. However, I don’t think she’s really going to learn from this. She looked totally shaken when she walked out of the headmistress’ office (again, more great Meester Method acting), but her “craaazy” walk showed otherwise. Where is Cyrus with his moral compass?! Blair was MARCHING in those patent leather heels.

A witch has a cat and a broomstick. A Blair bitch has a bulldog and a Bentley.

As summarized by Dorota: “Uh oh. Is it war?”

Question of the Week: WHAT is “black ops” in Blair’s world?
A) The must-have Spring 09 Balenciaga clutch
B) Hiring dudes outta Harlem and Bed-Stuy to mess with the new teacher
C) Blackmailing Ms. Carr for her impending affair with Dan Humphrey (Although she doesn’t know this yet – Blair is the shit, but she’s not psychic! Tscha!)
D) ______________________ (write your own)