For many jolly – but not particularly religious – people across the country, clear “Christmas” lights are the preferred method of bring in the holiday spirit without any sort of preachiness.

Until now:

Say whaaaaaaa?!

And from a different angle:

Are you sure you don't mean "Warning: Small parts may be hazardous to children"? or "CHOKING HAZARD!!!"?

My friends Ho Ying and Louise got these lights from their local 99cent store in Sunnyside, Queens and couldn’t help but notice these craaazy-ass admonitions printed on the box.

Apparently, these lights are made by a Flushing company called Trisonic, which manufactures all sorts of 99cent store electronic notions like: cables, power strips, “beauty care kits” – and of course, “WTF?!” Christmas lights.

I don’t know what someone did to someone else to cause Person #2 to put this sort of thing on a mass-produced holiday decoration, but nothing can be as horribly and RELIGIOUSLY in-your-face as Forever21’s mainstream evangelicalism (forcing all middle class American women to carry their $12 tank tops home in a Bible-quoting bag).

I can only guess that this Flushing-based company is Chinese-owned – hence the doomsday Confucious-meets-Werner Herzog tone of their product packaging. But however out-of-place, these box proverbs are at least slightly more insightful than what you’ll find inside of a fortune cookie. And in fact, Trisonic seems to practice what it preaches in terms of continuous improvement. From the “About Us” section of their requisite generic/creepy corporate website:

“Each on of our Trisonic products is manufactured using the latest technology and finest materials. To best serve you, we regularly update our current products to match your needs while keeping our prices low and our quality high. By being on a constant watch for new ideas in order to develop the best products, we are always here to supply you with your changing needs.”

Clearly copied from a college management textbook, but a clever business model to SUPPLY customers with needs – which apparently are philosophical reminders! And as an INFP personality type, I can totally appreciate a little moral Post-it note here and there.

In fact, this box has inspired to make a few of my own holiday product warnings:

TINSEL!

“Do not allow yourself to be be strangled by close-minded desires.”

GARLAND!

“Life is a circle of pain that you should not contribute to with your own selfishness. Or else.”

ORNAMENT!

“Those who judge others will suffer the consequences, as the apocalypse is nigh.”

STOCKINGS!

“People who shirk their responsibilities will suffer inescapable lifelong guilt and face strong punishment in the afterlife. You hear that, Anthony?!”

Happy Holidays, everyone!

It's no "Funze" jumping el sharko!!!

What’s up with the television?! It is making me sad.

First of all, Gossip Girl is sucking with it’s bad porn hair, TrachtenDuff teen slut double-punch and threesome?! Like so many shows, this schizz just doesn’t translate to college. All the camp was great when these kids were kids, but now we’re supposed to care about them growing up? Isn’t this show supposed to provide a sort of infantile – albeit, sexy – escapism? 

Who cares?! Who cares?! And who cares?!

SYTYCD falls short of its own self-aggrandizing. This is the opposite of self-fulfilling prophecy. This is like what’s going to happen to the Kardashians or something. First of all, Paula Abdul fails to show up after much hullabaloo, the new stage is wack, and there hasn’t been one memorable routine yet (although with all the tears, you’d think they were all Twyla Tharp dances about orphans with cancer). Plus, boooo to losing the biggest asset ever: Mia Michaels. And boo to Nigel for patting his own back so much there’s probably a hole in his suit over the right shoulder. Even former “star” choreography Dan Karaty has fallen so far as to be a COMPETITOR in Bravo’s new “Launch My Line“. So Mary Murphy will be on Real Housewives of San Diego next (God knows you don’t actually have to be a wife to be on that show)?!

I don't care if it's a Top 20 of tap dancing Asians - I don't want to see pixels behind dancers unless it's a live show performed below 14th Street!

Ugly Betty is the only show I watch regularly that is just getting better with time. Becki Newton’s Amanda gets sassier by the eye squint, Justin’s self-discovery/denial is riveting, and a this show is somehow topping itself even though it’s had multiple murders and a tranny since the first season! Sometimes bigger is better, but mostly it’s that better is better.

Ooooh, child! Jamie Lynn-Sigler's gonna give you some cult juice!

Date an Asian has inspired 697 comments thus far – some loving, some passionate, some utterly bat shizz cray-cray, and an unexpectedly large number about whether Ph(F)ilipinos are “Asian” or not. It was like one loooong conversation with the public as one schizophrenic-ass commenter.

A Two-Month Conversation On YouTube
by Jen Kwok and YouTube Commenter

YouTube Commenter: This is gonna go viral haha

Jen Kwok: Yes, it just did! In fact, it was on MTV Iggy, Angry Asian Man and Buzzfeed – and it was the YouTube #1 Comedy Spotlight Video! I can hardly believe it.

YouTube Commenter: This is what I’ve been telling people all along. I’m a 28 y/o smooth skinny white guy now and most other gay guys that fit that description aren’t interested in asians. But I’ve been dating asian guys ever since I was 17…most have a lot to offer…in fact my faith in God is reinforced by how many wonderful, beautiful Asian men there are in the world…our culture should recognize this…

Jen Kwok: Thank you for getting it, SSWG!

YouTube Commenter: Comment removed by author

Jen Kwok: Did you say something?

YouTube Commenter: Comment removed by author

Jen Kwok: Oh. Okay, I guess not…. I just thought I heard…

YouTube Commenter: WOW, WOW, Did she just say SRI LANKAN????? AWESOME

Jen Kwok: Yes. Yes, I did Hehe.

YouTube Commenter: man..this song is gonna get some pussies for my asian cock!!

Jen Kwok: Haha, yes. Well… IF you manage to treat the ladies attached to the pussies decently for at least a few hours first! HAHA *sigh* And to think my song might have something to do with it…. Young love – so buoyant and multi-partner-y and carefree until consequences happen!

YouTube Commenter: Holy crap I have the same Accord with the same paint color. Just mine is more faded.haha

Jen Kwok: Ha ha. WOW. Ha! Whoah. I can’t believe you used ZERO exclamation points in a comment that started off with the worlds “holy crap”. Haha! I would have thought that was punctuation-ally impossible, but you just proved me wrong. Wow! Whoah! Geez! That was the most mellow realization ever. Haha!! hoho! Heehee…

YouTube Commenter: I took your advice.. and I fucked the first asian guy I saw. Thanks.

Jen Kwok: ….haha! Heehee! Oh God. Sorry, I’m still laughing from the comment before yours. But, hey – you’re welcome. And thanks for taking this message to heart and reporting it in such a matter-of-fact way. That means it happened.

YouTube Commenter: your dad’s kinda hot.

Jen Kwok: Thanks. He’s actually Phil Nee, an awesome stand-up comedian and photographer. He’s not really my dad.

YouTube Commenter: lol was that over the line? sorry =P

Jen Kwok: No, no, no. Phil’s a very lovely man. But if you had said that about my real dad, I probably would have cut you, LOL

YouTube Commenter: Hahahaha I love this video! I love you Jen Kwok! I AM Dating an Asian guy, his name is Tim! Ha

Jen Kwok: Awww, that’s great! God, I’m a sucker for a love story. Well, Tim sounds like a great guy, and I wish you two the very best

YouTube Commenter: I think all Asian men should be more aware of what is going on. Asian women have affirm the racial stereotypes of Asian men. Asian women, along with the white majority have effectively turned future generation of Asian kids into eunuch. It is funny, that white people and Asian women are laughing at us in public. When you have comedian like Ester Ku and ANTM Gina Cho making stereotypical statement about Asian men in the media, and the 50% out marriage rate to only whites, there is something

Jen Kwok: *nodding* OK….I see what you’re…

YouTube Commenter: cont. deeply wrong with America. The fact that there is a video like this shows you how bad things have gotten for Asian men in this country. Women are laugh at us. I am a good looking guy and when I go on my travel, I still get the small dick stereotype out in public. Is this what my son going to have to grow up in? Asian women with whites reinforced stereotypes. So as far as I am concern, Asian women are pretty much the enabler of the emasculation of Asian men in American.

Jen Kwok: Man, I’m sorry you feel that way, but my intention was actually to subvert those stereotypes. I can’t help it if people don’t get what I’m trying to do, but…well….

YouTube Commenter: its just a fucking joke. stop getting so butt hurt. it is hilarious.

Jen Kwok: Aww, thanks for coming to my defense! But…are…people really getting “butt hurt” on my video? I mean, I’m not really even sure what that means. Like, are they sitting too long and unable to go to the bathroom or something, or…. Well, at any rate, I hope they’re not getting “butt hurt”. Unless that’s what they’re into. I’m not here to judge….

So I haven’t posted in a loooooooong time, due in part to an excuse, some other excuse and a variety of additional excuses I just made up because the first two seemed a little broad and inadequate.

The past couple of weeks, I did two of events that were completely awesome and happened to be rooted in the AA/APA community (and like LGBTQXZ-1, I’ll probably never take the time to figure out what the most inclusive acronym is).

The first event was Page Turner, The Asian American Literary Festival hosted by The Asian American Writer’s Workshop. I was part of a panel called “The New Eclectics”, which also featured the amazing and fun Sesshu Foster, Porochista Khakpour and Ed Lin. All the Asian American literati were there, including the highly decorated/awe-inspiring David Henry Hwang and Jhumpa Lahiri! Last night, I was also part of the line-up for Columbia University’s Cultureshock, hosted by their Asian Amerian Arts Alliance, which had everyone from uber-sexy FR3sh dance crew, and my comedy homie Eliot Chang, who just taped his Comedy Central Presents.

I’m not going to venture to explain what AA/APA/AAAAAA/AZN writing or entertainment is, but it’s clear to me that there is a certain recognition and community when you’re in a room full of people who share the same life-long identity crisis. We’re not post-racial, but I *think* we’re past Phase-1 rice jokes, and I know that I’ll write many more songs where the biggest laugh does not occur after the world “bubble tea”.

Even 5 years ago when I was in college, I don’t think there were as many established Asian performers out there that I could watch or read or visit the abandoned MySpace pages of.

Finally. Warm Fuzzies.

Hey dudes!

I’m excited to say that I’m playing with my band again next Friday, Oct 9 at The Blarney Stone!!!

That’s right – I’m plugging in my uke and rockin’ various tunes with Marco Bucelli (drums), Matt Buttermann (guitar) with A Bass Player (bass) and special guest, my boy Soce, The Elemental Wizard. If you’ve ever wanted to hear the live band version of my hit, Date an Asian, this is your chance!!! I’ll be doing songs new and old, funny and “serious”!

We’re opening up for the album release party of my friend/former college flatmate/bandmate, Bracey Smith’s band, Charm Face (isn’t that an awesome name?!?!)! They are big in Japan. Seriously. They just came back from Japan, where they were big.

This is their logo:

They will, like, charm your face off.

Charm Face Album Release Party
FREE show!
Fri, Oct 9 at 8pm
21+over

Blarney Stone, 2nd Floor
410 8th Ave

(Right outside of Penn Station/MSG by the corner of 31st St and 8th Ave)The party starts at 8pm
The Jen Kwok experience will start at 8:30
The Comfort Food music video premiere will be at 9:30
and Charm Face will start at 9:45 ]]> http://jenkwok.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/free-show-jen-with-band-opening-for-charm-face-oct-9-at-the-blarney-stone/feed/ 0 jenkwok http://jenkwok.wordpress.com/2009/09/22/big-girls-club-the-formula-play-opens-this-weekend-sept-26-28/ http://jenkwok.wordpress.com/2009/09/22/big-girls-club-the-formula-play-opens-this-weekend-sept-26-28/#comments Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:30:09 +0000 jenkwok http://jenkwok.wordpress.com/?p=893 ]]>

Come see this awesome play I’m in, opening this weekend at Here Arts Center!!!

Big Girls Club (The Formula Play)
HERE Arts Center
www.here.org

SEPTEMBER 26, 27 & 28th @ 8:30pm

ETG premiered Big Girls Club ( Happy Dance Dance Princess Show) at the Brick Theater this summer prompting extreme reactions from audiences and critics alike. Matt Johnston of nytheatre.com said, “there have been numerous pieces of theatre, film, television, and literature that have embarked on a journey into the psychologically violent depths of the social impact of female body image on the lives of women and young girls. Big Girls Club (The Happy Happy Dance Princess Show), part of The Brick’s Antidepressant Festival this summer, is maybe the most direct and biting I have experienced”. As a continuation of the theme, The Formula Play is a standard “American Girl” narrative with a ticking time bomb. We focus on the tension between the conscious, formulaic female story, and the deeper ideas that lie underneath by exposing three women stuck in between familiar archetypes, subplots and redemptions, who struggle to find something real along the way.

Written and directed by Leah Winkler

In collaboration with performers

Jen Kwok

Lindsay Mack

and

Nancy Upton

DESIGN BY
Barbara Elderedge

ASSOCIATE DIRECTION
Chase Voorhees

MUSIC BY
Chase Voorhees and Jen Kwok

Assistant Direction by Sarah Good

Costume Design, Choreography and Fight Choreography by Lindsay Mack

“PLOT” (?)
Nancy, an ex-Quaker from the wrong side of the tracks wants to become a cheerleader at her new school. Will she, with the help of Jen her quirky sidekick, be able to overcome the wrath of Lindsay Mack, the most popular girl in school? More importantly, will start athlete Brad ever love her back? A standard female narrative is interrupted by moments of gut-wrenching ugliness, pacified with uncomfortable pleasures and simple honesty- resulting in a deeply ambivalent and unnervingly experience of theater.

Tickets are $15

PURCHASE HERE: https://www.ovationtix.com/trs/pr/685565
ETG is Chase Voorhees, Teddy Nicholas, Leah Winkler
Visit us at everywheretheatre.org

*This production is being presented through HERE’s Autumn Artist Lodge, which provides artists with subsidized space and equipment, as well as technical and administrative support. Since 1993, the OBIE winning HERE Arts Center has been a premier arts organization in NYC and a leader in the field of new, hybrid performance work. Under leadership of Founding Artistic Director Kristin Marting and Producing Director Kim Whitener, HERE has served over 12,000 emerging to mid-career artists developing work that does not fit a conventional programming agenda. Work presented at HERE has garnered 14 OBIE awards, an OBIE grant for artistic achievement, three Drama Desk nominations, two Berrilla Kerr Awards, three NY Innovative Theatre Awards, an Edwin Booth Award and a Pulitzer Prize nomination. HERE proudly supports artists at all stages in their careers through full productions, artist residency programs, festivals and subsidized performance and rehearsal space. Work at HERE is curated based on the strength and uniqueness of the artist’s vision. HERE’s Artist Residency Program (HARP) provides development, commissions and full production for up to 20 artists over one-to-three years. In 2005, with the support of the FJC, a foundation of donor advised funds, Lower Manhattan Development Corporation and the City of New York, HERE Arts Center purchased its long-time home as part of a five-year “Secure HERE’s Future” campaign. With full-scale renovations to the space concluding in June 2008, thanks to generous support from the City of New York, HERE is poised to continue and expand its role as a downtown haven for the finest emerging art. Offering a comfortable, eclectic setting for artists and audiences alike, HERE features a new café and two state-of-the-art performance spaces.

HERE Arts Center

145 6th Ave. (between Spring & Broome, enter on Dominick)

For Tickets & Information: www.here.org or call 212-352-3101

–
Everywhere Theatre Group
www.everywheretheatre.org
Join our facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18681744372

UP NEXT!
Big Girls Club (The Formula Play)
HERE Arts Center
Septermber 26, 27 & 28th @ 8:30pm
get tickets here: https://www.ovationtix.com/trs/pr/685565

COMING SOON
A Pale Horse, Death & Hell Followed With (A Lifetime Original Series)
Ontological+Hysteric Theater
DECEMBER 2009
www.ontological.com

BE THERE!

Hi Guys,

My blog has moved over to http://www.jenkwok.net – you can also view it directly at http://jenkwok.net/blog

<3 Jen

Hey guys,

So I did a lil interview with the folks at MTV Iggy about the “Date an Asian” video, addressing some of the issues of race, answering some questions from YouTube commenters and talking about comedy in general. Check it out here: MTV Iggy Interview

Mad props to Woody and Samantha at MTV Iggy for being so crazy supportive and “getting” the message.

Thank you to all the friends and fans for the overwhelming support of this video! This was a labor of love a year in the making, and I’m so glad that people are enjoying it.

<3 Jen

My new music video, Date an Asian, is a hot (and hilarious) R&B joint about dating Asian men.

Here it is:

After fun ass day of shooting and a star studded live premiere at Sulu Series, this video is ready for all the world to see!!!

We hope that you enjoy it, and please please please help promote it!!!

HELP PROMOTE DATE AN ASIAN:
1. Email this vid to all your peeps, groups and listservs:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG9vYZmoqmg
2. Post the video link to facebook, Twitter, MySpace, tumblr, blogs, etc!
3. Embed the video wherever you can!
4. “Favorite”, share, leave comments, “thumb up” on YouTube!
5. Stream the video on a laptop strapped to your chest!

Asian men are finally gettin’ their due, so please spread the love!!!

VACAY RECAP

We just got back from a great vacation in Upstate New York – Barryville, to be exact!

Tom and I had a great time, driving through the back roads and sitting in a cabin high enough to literally be amongst the trees!

We swam and paddle boated in a lake that reminded me of “The Parent Trap”:

We drove across this cool bridge that used to be a mini canal that boats floated in to go OVER the river.

We stalked this great blue heron until he gave us a superfierce shot:

The sunset was so pretty – the prettiest I’ve seen since I left the Mojave Desert:

It was such a great vacation, filled with reading, relaxing and movie watching (an electic mix: Gosford Park, Punch Drunk Love, A Fish Called Wanda, and 42nd Street).

Now we’re back in city, with full cell phone reception and Internet! Yes, work intrudes on life once again, but there are lots of things in September that have been/will be exciting (in no particular order)…

TOP FIVE FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT SEPTEMBER 2009 (so far)!

*Fall TV starts – and Bravo’s already got it going with Rachel Zoe and The Real Housewives of Atlanta’s fabuloco-ness!!!

*Hershey’s Birthday Cake Ice Cream is AMAZING (vanilla cake batter-flavored ice cream w/ sprinkles)!!!!!

*Anna Sui’s Gossip Girl-inspired clothing line for Target.

*This one time, Japan’s new First Lady spirit flew to Venus.

*Mosquitoes are hopefully dying off already.