Gossip Girl: You Can’t Escape Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl is like Perez Hilton. That bitch is everywhere, and she just don’t quit.

What a great season finale!!! It was especially great compared to that crap-fest of last week’s flashback episode. Anyway, it was gratifying to see so much “resolved” within the hour – of course, only to have it unraveled again next season.

Stuff I loved:

LOVE – BLAIR LOOKED GREAT!!! LOVE!
Gorgeous! Perfect!

SO PRETTY!!!

SEXY.

LOVE – Blair naming Jenny “Queen”. Love.

*giggle* “Not enough!” *smile*

LOVE – Wrapping up the stupid Ponzi scheme subplot quickly with a brief phone call from Regina. No unnecessary bull crap. Love.

LOVE – Serena’s stupid ass and Carter Basin’s stupid ass together. Great! I love it. Keeps them quarantined from other human beings for awhile. LOVE.

LOVE – They bring back the Dan/Serena/Eric/Jenny half-bro plot line by finally freakin’ showing the guy. Love.

LOVE – CHUCK AND BLAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVELOVELOVE!Yaaaaaaay. SO romantic! Better than Disney. But still with white people. Yaaaay!

Stuff that was NOT OK!!!

Not OK – Serena wears JUST her graduation tassel in her hair because she’s soooo free-spirited? Not OK.Stupid hippie.

Not OK – Serena repurposing a Snuggie and/or Slanket as an excuse to show side boob. NOT OK.

Losing model in a Project Runway Slanket challenge.

Not OK – Lily and Rufus tokin’? Weird. Not O.K.

Not OK – Georgina coming back next season. AUGHGHGHGHGHGH!!! Nothing makes me angrier than seeing Michelle Trachtenburg’s name in the credits. Blood pressure rising. NOT OKAY!!!

Not OK – EVERYONE going to NYU?! NOOOOOT OK.

Closing Thoughts:
This season was definitely hit or miss, but the overall Gossip Girl essence was maintained: drama, fashion, humor, side boob. I’m glad that the show is continuing on, but is college gonna make it better (Gilmore Girls), mediocre (Beverly Hills, 90210), weirder (Boy Meets World) or completely fucking ridiculous (Saved By the Bell)?

All I can say is, I want the fashion to keep going, but you can’t possibly have me believe that these guys are gonna run from class to class in Lincoln Town Cars and stilettos…right? I mean, what NYU student always dresses up to go to class? OK, maybe Korean girls, but come on!!! Can we get Blair some pants?

Also, I am dreading this BS that they are gonna live in the dorms – especially with Regina there. WHERE will Blair put her clothes! At least have her and Serena share an outrageously large duplex in the West Village (after she somehow gets herself kicked out of Brown and transfers to NYU due to some shenanigans). I also can’t wait for how lame they’re going to make college parties look.

Well, what the future holds we won’t know for another 3 months, but for now, let us bask once again in the kiss heard around the world:AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! No matter WHAT happens, we’ll always have this moment! ALWAYS! This happened!

Question of the week:
What do you look forward to next season?

GG: Welcome to the Next 30 Years of…Touch Football?!?!

Way to capture the still-snowing-even-though-it’s-technically springtime situation in New York situation! It’s the most realistic thing that has ever been written on this show!!!!!

 

Family crests are the new “Pink Ladies” jackets.

*

First of all, I really liked the Stepford Dudes situation with the Archibalds. Nate’s grandpa helicopters in?! What a pi-yump! He’s like Diddy, yo! Or, like, how I imagine Diddy to be…. Although the clapping when Nate and his grandpa hugged… was…weird…. And I can’t even comment on Nate’s cousin, TRIP! Yowzas. The only name worse than that one is “Topper” aka Tinsley’s husband. THESE PEOPLE ARE INSANE!!!

My favorite thing about this episode was the gorgeous pink and green flower arrangement in the front entrance of Blair’s apartment! PRETTY.

Question: Were Serena and Blair shopping for sunglasses in a house?! An art gallery?! A…museum?! What WAS that?

Although I enjoyed the fleeting presence of Blair’s monumental flower arrangement, my compulsive pause/replay nature was lured out of hiding by Lily’s “list”. I spent about 15 minutes working the HELL outta my DVR to find out who was on Lily’s list of love-ahhhhhhhs – no small task, considering that some sections were covered by my DVR commercial eradicatorl/fast forward bar. However, it was worth the effort! I got every last one of those names except for the few that were actually covered up by something onscreen!

Lily’s Dick Parade:
Darius Menard
Hollis Meminger
Steve Krieger
Pierre Elliot
Randy Manion
James Bono
Ben Noble
Justin Pittman
Chris Nelson
Lindsey Hall
Jeffrey Rehlaender
Lawrence Orvieto
Duncan Bryant
Jeff Christiano
Alan Cohen
Trent Reznor
Slash
Rufus Humphrey
Claus Christiansen
Klaus Richter
Bart Bass

The list that she hid from Rufus (original version):
Robert Antalocy
John Henry
Chris Tonkin
Drew Adams
Jason Fesel
Kevin Slack
Alex Gradet
Stephan Rooney
Joe Van Ness
Stephan Georges

The list that Rufus found in her purse (finished/edited version):
Robert Antalocy
Chris Tonkin
John Henry
Chris DeAngelis
Drew Adams
Jason Fesel
Kevin Slack
Alex Gradet
Stephan Rooney
Joe Van Ness
Stephan Georges
C?????? C????? (Hidden by the crease of the paper)
Ryan Coleman
Petro Ortiz (Finally, a non white guy! Now, show me…DEANDRE!)
Ed Sholes
Tom Blancato
Brian Kenyon
John Patterson
Richard Robbins
John Herket
Matthew Simonelli
William ????? (Obscured by Rufus’ thumb)
George ????? (Obscured by Rufus’ thumb)

Rufus, NEVER go into a lady’s purse!!!! Seriously, I only have two Carmexes, a notebook filled with sad thoughts about the world around me and 3 weeks worth of receipts in my purse, but I’d give my boyfriend a SERIOUS purple nurple if he went into my bag without permission!

And then Rufus “apologizes” by making a list of what Lily likes?! UGHHHHH!!! BLECH!!!!! LAAAAAME!!!! Why didn’t he just pop in the VHS of an old grainy home video (name of band featured tonight!) of Lily baking, giggling and fake-pushing him away?!

*wiping vomit from mouth* So anyway, I really like this twist of Blair and Nate getting back together. It could have been really contrived in theory, but that shit was well executed!

And Blair/Leighton showed all her humanity with these five words:
“Nate, don’t forget your jacket.”

Amazing! Beautiful! What a triumph!!!

However, I still wish that whole old man situation was about her temporarily turning into a high class prostitute for kicks:

Maybe daddy will let her in if she lets HIM in….

GG IS BAAAAAAACK: All the World’s a Stage, and All the UES is Merely Playas!!!!

First of all, I love how Dorota was fondling Blair’s the floofy hairpiece. ALSO awesome that the girl with the weird eyes was Dorota’s maid dopp!

Pat yo weave, girl!

*
And mad shout out to my bud Karen Summerton, who was rockin’ it as a stage manager!

The Baywatch slow-mo of Ms. Carr was COMPLETELY unnecessary, and how the FUCK is she allowed to wear a see-through top as a teacher?!

T-shirt bra is ok. Shopping at American Apparel because it’s really cool and seems inviting because there’s a bench outside is NOT.

*
At least everyone else had the fashion right.

I loved Chuck’s tie in the restaurant scene. He’s the only dude who can do paisley RIGHT!

Bathing like the French in restaurant bathrooms for a week – yet still tanning like an OC housewife….

*
Jenny’s jumper/henley/Colonel Sanders tie/punk necklage melange was cute too!

I liked that she played Nurse to the Dan-Rachel thing, but passing a note?! COME ON!!! Stoooopid! It’s 2009! How can you have two people sending notes in one scene and then someone else having a Cyrano de Bergerac moment via BLUE TOOTH in another! Pick up a phone! Send a cryptic tweet! Even two Dixie cups with a string would be a step up from a stupid ass note! Do you like me?! Check “Yes” or “No”. Let’s see what fold-y paper game says…let’s play MASH!

Maybe if Rufus wasn’t so busy working on the extensive bottle collection he has in the kitchen or shoving his face into a pint of Haagen Daaz, maybe his son wouldn’t be effing his teacher to feel like a real boy.

And how could Dan and Rachel be carrying on in the costumes and prop closet without someone coming into check on…I dunno…the COSTUMES AND PROPS for the show that’s about to happen?!

And Nelly Yuki in a fat suit?! Kind of awesome.

However, I am really confused about the whole early acceptance thing: Why was it such a shock that Nelly got in? Didn’t Serena and Dan already get in early? Can some explain this to me in earnest?

Serena’s scene with Julian made me want to VOM! The Vanessa-Serena Cyrano de Bergerac was Corndog on a Stick (TM), but at least it enabled us to see more of Vanessa’s HOT outfit and awesome necklace!

Let me borrow that dress! Let me borrow that dress! DRESS. Ohmigod, DRESS.

*
Also, why did the set look like an Urban Outfitters?! BOOOOOOO. But the Blair/Dan scene was FUCKING hilarious. It couldn’t have been any better! And as a bonus, Dan’s accent was a knee slapper.

Funniest scene EVER!!!

*

Haha, and could the NY Times critic be more of a gay stereotype?!

I totally saw this guy last Friday at Splash. And then when I left, I saw the girl behind him stumbling towards the PATH train.

*
The best part of this episode is that Blair looked freaking amazing – it was like Blair porn for me. She looked stunning in the backless costume AND her lacey, blousy dress “Age of Innocence”-inspired modern outfit.

You. Are. Perfect.

*

However, no one’s hair looks like that after taking it out of an updo! I know mine is in the shape of a duck with a jerry curl on its tail… At least Serena’s hair looked the wig-iest it’s ever been. Almost Britney level! Barefoot in the bathroom level.

I am satisfied by how Ms. Carr got written out – FOR BEING A BITCH, and that Julian was written out for being gay. It’s a little borrowing from “Clueless”, but whatEVER.

At least Blair and Carter is kinda hot…a million times better than Uncle JACK!!!

Where did they find this Michael Buble-combo-John Mayer Barney?!

Gossip Girl: WHO IS THE LOVE CHILD?!?!

We know this:



-Hazel does incest.


-Nelly Yuki perpetuates subservient Asian stereotypes.


-Rufus has shaved, gotten a haircut and looks like a much older version of my friend Marty.

Marty

BUT WHO IS RUFUS AND LILY’S LOVE CHILD?!?!?!

I thought it was Jack Bass, but apparently Gossip Girl Insider says this:

“Creator and executive producer Josh Schwartz had hinted at Georgina’s return in a past interview, but we’re glad it’s coming to fruition. The more drama, the merrier!

In related news, have you heard the rumor that Georgina will turn out to be Lily and Rufus’ MIA love child? Crazy, right? Well, it’s even crazier when you consider the fact that said love child is (spoiler alert!) ******** * **.”

http://www.gossipgirlinsider.com/2009/01/gossip-girl-spoilers-georgina-sparks-is-back/

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

What do those stars mean???? Someone please tell me!

Also, what happened on New Year’s Eve that Blair is trying to hide from Chuck?

TWO questions of the week…

1) Who is Lily & Rufus’ lovechild?
a. Jack Bass
b. Georgina (waaah? she’s the same age as Dan & Serena!!!)
c. Dorota!!!
d. _________________ (write your own)

2) What happened on New Year’s Eve?
a. Blair slept with Jack
b. They found out that Bart left nothing to Chuck
c. Ryan Seacrest hijacked Dick Clark’s Rockin Eve!!!
d. _________________ (write your own)

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?! How did Jenny suddenly get so tall????

Chuck Bass-terbation

Again, no new GG until 2009 but that doesn’t mean that it’s not on our minds during this holiday season!Right now, especially, our hearts must go out to the hottest orphan on the UES, CHUCK BASS:

Ed Westwick = (Ryan Phillippe+David Caruso)*John Malkovich = Chuck Bass

What truly fascinates me the most is how Chuck consistently rocks the lamest, most flamboyant outfits:

Really? The socks AND the sweater?

The beach equivalent of long johns w/ a cellar door.

When you start matching your lady’s headband, you need to calm the FUCK down.

That tuxedo is one pair of glasses from reaching Elton John status.

Zack Morris was the only other straight male teenager to ever rock patterns as loud as that!

Yet he is still devastatingly sexy!!!

This guy knows how to handle the ladies.

Chuck knows alllllll the tricks.

Baaaad boy!

He and Blair Waldorf are without a doubt the most complex characters on the show (Dan’s introspective blabber and Lily’s craaaazy past have nothing on these guys)!


With the drugs and the chicks and the boozing and the outrageous clothes, all Chuck’s really looking for is love. Validation. He’s searching for himself and his place in the world!!! And he can never truly feel at peace in a world that his mother died bringing him into. The guilt weighs on him every single day and all he can do is escape. ESCAPE!!!

Too late for father and son….

Now he will never be able to find closure with his father However, he has his one true love:

Chuck and Blair!!!

But can he let love into his dark dark heart? Can Chuck Bass be saved?

Question of the Week:
Can Chuck Bass be saved?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Only temporarily, and then he will go back to the dark side
D) Write your own answer

Gossip Girl: Season 2 Awards!

I’m because a) I had to miss the recent Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit III (UGGS3) on Saturday night, and b) this is the first night I’ve been in front of both a computer and a TV on a Monday night at 9pm in weeks, and it’s just a stupidhead rerun tonight!!!

We have to wait until 2009 for a new episode, so I thought I would take this time to reflect on Season 2 in my own miniminiminimini Gossip Girl Summit I (mmmmGGS1).

Creepiest Moment: Nate’s Whoring

With Countess von Sugamamaclientninemilfcougartits.

Corniest Moment: Serena Trying to Strut

Girl, Miss J would rip you to pieces!

Favorite Moment: Catfight!

“Stupid…headband!!!”

Worst Blair Outfit: Post-Yale

Junior high art teacher Barbie or a middle-aged Upper West Side Woman going to a mixer at the JCC or Ugly Betty as a skinny white girl.

Worst Serena Outfit: Um…No THANK you!

People get kicked off Project Runway for shit like this.

Best Serena Outfit: Keeping it Simple

So pretty – and with no boobs hanging out!

Best Blair Outfit: Summer Princess

What a cutie!

Favorite Outfit: Jenny!!!

Her other outfits still sucks, but she knocked it outta the ballpark with this one!

Most Annoying Character: Aaron

Please get outta my face.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Cyrus

WALLACE SHAWN IS LIKE LIBERTY AND SALT – THERE SHOULD BE A LITTLE BIT OF HIM IN EVERYTHING!!!

Gossip Girl: Ding Dong, The Bart is Dead!

Yeahhhh, more Wallace Shawn!!! “…in the midst of death, we are in life!” Wow…

EVERYONE loves this guy!

And finally, a Jew on the UES! Plus, the marriage to Eleanor only seals his future guest stardom – yeehaw!!!

Like a small babe: Is Wallace Shawn the real-life Benjamin Button?!

Can he please get his own spinoff instead of this CRAPPY idizzle:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,465464,00.html

But at least it’s not true:
http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/watch_with_kristin/b72917_gossip_girl_spinoff_rumors_not_true.html

Funeral Gear:
-Serena is wearing strapless to a funeral?!?!?! Girl, WHAT?! Your boobs know no bounds. This is a UES funeral, not Friday nights at The Plumm. She’s such a beacon of beauty that the more somber the occasion, the more skin she shows!

What Serena would wear to an abortion.

-I loved Jenny’s outfit and her bag was HOT. LOOOOVE the huge safety pin. Hawtness! She is a touch goth w/o the Hot Topic factor.

Tim Burton’s daughter.

-I think Eric looks adorable in this episode, but about 11 years old in his coat. He’s like Tiny Tim! “I just lost my stepfather. I don’t want to lose my brother too.” Awwww.

Where is your crutch and Christmas goose, little man?

Best parts of this episode:
-They picked the exact right time to film at Central Park. It looks fucking gorgeous! This is the autumn in New York everyone dreams of. Have not seen NY look like that on TV/film in years. Hooray!!!
-Hilarious how Eleanor feeds Cyrus like a little child. Haha. “Zooooom! Zoom! Here come your capers and onions!”
-I liked that little moment where Nate pointed out how Blair was so sweet and maternal to Chuck at Bart’s wake. I almost forgot that Nate and Blair used to go out!
-Chuck’s dark side – so hot! To Lily: “Don’t touch me, whore!” He looks like a wasted vampire.

Anne Rice’s Chuck Bass.

Grossest moments of this episode:
-I totally don’t buy it that Eleanor and Jenny would just instantly bond over a jacket. Now, that IS shallow.
-When do we see the hilarity of Aaron interacting with his “dad” Wallace Shawn?! WHEN?!?!?! Wearing satin yarmulkes in the same room doesn’t count.
-Who can stand one more of Rufus’ wack acoustic jam sessions: “Nothing feels right when I’m left here on my own….”?!?! Jesus. Take it to Wednesday nights at Spike Hill!

Oh my God, please stop….

Finally, some resolution:
-Why was Lily in the hospital in France?! She killed someone!! She TOTALLY killed someone! Her firstborn child, Serge!
-Blair loves Chuck. Chuck is a dickhead. ARGHGHGHGHGH!!!! Their hug at the end was so beautiful. Catharsis!!!!!!!! But only Cyrus can heal Blair with his elf hug.
-The wedding was beautiful, and Dorota looked like a princess!

IN CONCLUSION:
God, I really hate this asshole.

Aaron = (Vanessa + The Countess)*Georgina ^Cece Vanderwoodsen

Question of the Week:
What happened to Lily and Rufus’ baby?
A) Abortion
B) It died in childbirth
C) It grew up and became Pete Wentz
D) _________________ (write your own)