GG IS BAAAAAAACK: All the World’s a Stage, and All the UES is Merely Playas!!!!

First of all, I love how Dorota was fondling Blair’s the floofy hairpiece. ALSO awesome that the girl with the weird eyes was Dorota’s maid dopp!

Pat yo weave, girl!

*
And mad shout out to my bud Karen Summerton, who was rockin’ it as a stage manager!

The Baywatch slow-mo of Ms. Carr was COMPLETELY unnecessary, and how the FUCK is she allowed to wear a see-through top as a teacher?!

T-shirt bra is ok. Shopping at American Apparel because it’s really cool and seems inviting because there’s a bench outside is NOT.

*
At least everyone else had the fashion right.

I loved Chuck’s tie in the restaurant scene. He’s the only dude who can do paisley RIGHT!

Bathing like the French in restaurant bathrooms for a week – yet still tanning like an OC housewife….

*
Jenny’s jumper/henley/Colonel Sanders tie/punk necklage melange was cute too!

I liked that she played Nurse to the Dan-Rachel thing, but passing a note?! COME ON!!! Stoooopid! It’s 2009! How can you have two people sending notes in one scene and then someone else having a Cyrano de Bergerac moment via BLUE TOOTH in another! Pick up a phone! Send a cryptic tweet! Even two Dixie cups with a string would be a step up from a stupid ass note! Do you like me?! Check “Yes” or “No”. Let’s see what fold-y paper game says…let’s play MASH!

Maybe if Rufus wasn’t so busy working on the extensive bottle collection he has in the kitchen or shoving his face into a pint of Haagen Daaz, maybe his son wouldn’t be effing his teacher to feel like a real boy.

And how could Dan and Rachel be carrying on in the costumes and prop closet without someone coming into check on…I dunno…the COSTUMES AND PROPS for the show that’s about to happen?!

And Nelly Yuki in a fat suit?! Kind of awesome.

However, I am really confused about the whole early acceptance thing: Why was it such a shock that Nelly got in? Didn’t Serena and Dan already get in early? Can some explain this to me in earnest?

Serena’s scene with Julian made me want to VOM! The Vanessa-Serena Cyrano de Bergerac was Corndog on a Stick (TM), but at least it enabled us to see more of Vanessa’s HOT outfit and awesome necklace!

Let me borrow that dress! Let me borrow that dress! DRESS. Ohmigod, DRESS.

*
Also, why did the set look like an Urban Outfitters?! BOOOOOOO. But the Blair/Dan scene was FUCKING hilarious. It couldn’t have been any better! And as a bonus, Dan’s accent was a knee slapper.

Funniest scene EVER!!!

*

Haha, and could the NY Times critic be more of a gay stereotype?!

I totally saw this guy last Friday at Splash. And then when I left, I saw the girl behind him stumbling towards the PATH train.

*
The best part of this episode is that Blair looked freaking amazing – it was like Blair porn for me. She looked stunning in the backless costume AND her lacey, blousy dress “Age of Innocence”-inspired modern outfit.

You. Are. Perfect.

*

However, no one’s hair looks like that after taking it out of an updo! I know mine is in the shape of a duck with a jerry curl on its tail… At least Serena’s hair looked the wig-iest it’s ever been. Almost Britney level! Barefoot in the bathroom level.

I am satisfied by how Ms. Carr got written out – FOR BEING A BITCH, and that Julian was written out for being gay. It’s a little borrowing from “Clueless”, but whatEVER.

At least Blair and Carter is kinda hot…a million times better than Uncle JACK!!!

Where did they find this Michael Buble-combo-John Mayer Barney?!

Gossip Girl: Eyes Wide SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!

First things first: Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit tickets are on sale!!!
https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/34294

Buy them ASAP – they’ve sold out in less then two days before!!! Now onto this week’s episode:

Blair looks so pretty in the park – her hair is PERFECT! And I loved how Dorota totally put “Mizz Blair” in her place during community service.

The scene with Rachel and Dan talking about his writing made me want to puke.
“I like this story even the last one you showed me. I can really relate to the sense of isolation….” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

And Chuck at an “Eyes Wide Shut Party?!” FINALLY!!!! Thank God for Chuck’s crazy Skulls/Free Mason-inspired adventure. I really can’t take the wack story lines revolving around the new school teacher.

I really liked everyone’s look in this episode. And I LOVED the girls in their multi-colored coats during the first scene at school. Plus, Blair’s speech was awesome: “What we do here today echoes through eternity.” For you, Blair, I AM SPARTACUS!!!

But the no cell phone thing – FINALLY, Constance Billard enters FUCKING reality! However, I’m curious to know how long that policy’s going to last, since many a plot has revolved around in-school texts.

I really loved the bathroom scene too. I’d alway wondered why they didn’t spend more time in there (guess they didn’t have to, with cell phones)! And Dorota looked tiiiight in those LV glasses. HAWT!!! My admiration for all the girls was raised further when they found their respective pink phones almost instantaneously.

Best Blair Quote of the Episode: “With friends like these, who needs friends?”

Best Blair Text of the Episode: “Mary Kay Letourneau” hahaha

Many fashion points went to the pink underskirt/trim on Jenny’s school uniform, but she severely negated it with her sheer shirt and black bra. Plus, if kids aren’t allowed to have cell phones at school, why is Jenny allowed to wear chicken wire over her Colonel Sander’s choker?

Moving onto more serious things, I was really annoyed when Nelly Yuki was identified as the “weak one” and subsequently ratted Blair out. I wanted a full on MUTINY!!! Not another perpetuation of Asian stereotypes…ugh…. They even gave her the YELLOW jacket!!

Et tu Brute?

My favorite outfit of the episode was Blair’s red satin top with florets on the sleeve. I. Want. IT.

Besides being completely annoying, Miss Carr’s apartment is impossibly huge – even for a private school teacher. But I can’t believe she kissed Dan, etc! GROSS. It really grossed me out even though it was in total silhouette – especially when she was unbuttoning his pants. BLUHHHH. That scene made me long for Vanessa and Nate’s love games. But honestly, I don’t care who or what Dan dates until he comes out of the closet. SERIOUSLY.

Wrong choice, Dan!!! In fact, wrong gender.

Question of the Week:

Who is the most annoying couple?
A) Dan/Serena
B) Dan/Rachel (Miss Carr)
C) Nate/Vanessa
D) Nate/Jenny

Gossip Girl: WHAT A GREAT EFFING EPISODE!!!

YEAAAAH, son!!!

And now literally, Chuck is Lily’s son!


This was a masterpiece in GG episodes, but I wouldn’t have known it from the opening scene: Too much plaid! A puppy in a bag?! YOU WATCH GILMORE GIRLS?!?! We get it, Blair’s dad and Blair’s dad’s gay Italian lover: YOU’RE GAAAY!!!

But I have to ask this question in earnest: Do they email people college admissions results nowadays? Is a .pdf attachment the new “big envelope?!” Across the nation, are there choruses of “Did you get a 1KB or a 5MB?!”

Also, hearing that SAT scores are higher than 1600 only made me feel like stocking up on Metamucil and fucking Clarks slip-on mules. And the dumbass-getting-into-Yale story was so Saved By the Bell (Zac getting into Yale and and Jesse only got into Columbia, GODDAMMIT, that’s why she ran away to Las Vegas and became a topless dancer)!

But wouldn’t Serena at Yale be the most hilarious thing!? I can barely see her keeping her head above water at Baruch. But who cares?! The producers are going to find some way to make them all go to NYU anyhow! Plus, Serena can design her own major at Gallatin: Décolletage Studies.

I was severely peeved that Blair just kinda brushed off Serena giving up Yale for her! Yeah, Serena didn’t want to go, so it was kind of like how I “give” other people my banana Runts because I don’t like them, but I know that someone must enjoy them! But still – couldn’t she have shown more appreciation to Serena?!?! UGHHHH. She was rolling around with her cougars-in-training – who were wearing waaay too much leopard print, btw! Just because Betsy Johnson makes it doesn’t mean you have to buy it! Instead, Blair should have been at Sarabeth’s with Serena having crumpets or something.

Anyway, my favorite thing about this episode is Lily and Chuck. I 100% love that they are working together: Lily’s finally using brains of some sort (although their origins are a completely mystery to me) and Chuck is not being a TOTAL dick. But yeah, it was pretty screwed up for Lily to be going out with Rufus right after her husband’s death – WTF?! And that almost-rape scene with Uncle Jack was disturbing. It gave me the chills, and all I could think about was how hard it must have been to shoot that since Kelly Rutherford was pregnant at the time. You have to make it look real, but you don’t want to smoosh the bun in the oven!

Another thing to lovelovelove about this episode as someone who has worked in the arts and music education: the opera! OK, I hate that they made it such an elitist thing (though that’s not totally inaccurate). However, I THOROUGHLY enjoyed Eric’s opera spiel. It was great to hear that sort of scripted enthusiasm come out of a young person. But really, we get it: YOU IS GAAAY! Tone it down, writers. Tone. It. Dooooown.

Serena looked gorgeous on the couch at the opera, but I really thought her boob was going to fly out at one point and there was another “mayday” moment when she flexed her pec, which was half-impressive, half-tranny. I could have gagged during the completely annoying Serena-Dan conversation, but a major plus is that it allowed me to figure out why Serena mumbles: so that her frown lines don’t know. 17-year-olds aren’t supposed to have frown lines! Even Ms. Carr looks younger than Serena.

And BTW, my boyfriend Tom started watching this episode with me tonight (his suggestion, not mine!) and his first question was “Are these people supposed to be under the age of 23?” Oy vey! Although he held it together, he had to leave after Serena’s Yale bail. He just didn’t get why anyone would help out a total bitch. I tried to explain it to him via the phrase “frenemies”, but this made about as much sense as if I had jumped up and down on an ottoman and smashed a banana on my face. Needless to say,Tom still didn’t get it and decided to wash the dishes/take a shower instead…. He literally had to cleanse the awesomeness of GG off his body.

So although I love Blair and she has TONS of redeeming qualities like cute jackets and pretty eyelashes, I am glad that she is finally getting a little pushback. However, I don’t think she’s really going to learn from this. She looked totally shaken when she walked out of the headmistress’ office (again, more great Meester Method acting), but her “craaazy” walk showed otherwise. Where is Cyrus with his moral compass?! Blair was MARCHING in those patent leather heels.

A witch has a cat and a broomstick. A Blair bitch has a bulldog and a Bentley.

As summarized by Dorota: “Uh oh. Is it war?”

Question of the Week: WHAT is “black ops” in Blair’s world?
A) The must-have Spring 09 Balenciaga clutch
B) Hiring dudes outta Harlem and Bed-Stuy to mess with the new teacher
C) Blackmailing Ms. Carr for her impending affair with Dan Humphrey (Although she doesn’t know this yet – Blair is the shit, but she’s not psychic! Tscha!)
D) ______________________ (write your own)

Gossip Girl: Blair Can Be My Wifey Anyday!

WHAT A GREAT EPISODE! Just the brunch scene alone was enough excitement to last a week!

I could just eat them up!!!

Blair looked SOOOO gorgeous this episode, and I loved how they subtly made her more “wife-y” with those gorgeous Diane von Furstenberg suits! My favorite outfit, though, was when she was getting ready for dinner with Chuck. What a beautiful dress!!! How could he stand her up?!?! My guess is that it was a DVF or Temperley London, who was the designer of Jenny’s dress.

Temperley has such beautiful things. I checked out some of their stuff at: http://www.net-a-porter.com/Shop/Designers/Temperley_London/Clothing

Here are some of my suggestions for the female characters:

Blair

Jenny

Lily

Serena

But Jenny is a fag hag at age 15?! And totally cock blocking poor little E. Tone it down, girl!!! How long before you are hanging out at Duplex every night, singing along to Sondheim at the piano, a vodka gimlet in one hand and 20-year old dancer who just recently moved to the city from Nebraska on the other?!

Now I’m nitpicking: It was so uneventful when Chuck sat down at his father’s desk. Wouldn’t Bart Bass have had a cooler chair? It’s not even ergonomic?! Are you kidding me??? No wonder he was so angry all the time. His lumbar was all messed up.

Also, there was really good hair this episode! Blair and Serena had softer waves and they were just glossy and healthy looking. Nothing too crazy. Even Jenny was not frizzy. She found her flat iron!

But it can’t all be good. There is much less boobage from the blondie now, but STOP MUMBLING, SERENA!!! My favorite quote of hers from this episode was : “mmmrrrr mmmmm hrrr hmm mrmrmrmrhmhmmmm.” Girl, speak up – you ridiculous!!!

And WHAT was that ridiculous pink dress with a huge bow the non-speaking lemming wore at brunch?! Did she win it from a Carol Channing stage costume auction?

But yeah – Lily and Rufus getting together is HOT!!! Plus, major kudos to Matthew Settle for someone other than Serena showing some juiced up pecs on this show!!!

And my God, Eric is so wise!!! And adorable: “Sorry – there, I said it first!!!” He is a saint, is he not?

No comment on the Dan-Serena relation/Rufus-Lily love child. Bored to tears. Give me FASHION!!!

Question of the Week:
What’s the worst thing Chuck’s ever said to Blair?
a) That he said she was “rode hard and put away wet”.
b) When he told her to stop playing the wife.
c) When he DIDN’T say “I love you”.
d) To not go looking for him.

Gossip Girl: WHO IS THE LOVE CHILD?!?!

We know this:



-Hazel does incest.


-Nelly Yuki perpetuates subservient Asian stereotypes.


-Rufus has shaved, gotten a haircut and looks like a much older version of my friend Marty.

Marty

BUT WHO IS RUFUS AND LILY’S LOVE CHILD?!?!?!

I thought it was Jack Bass, but apparently Gossip Girl Insider says this:

“Creator and executive producer Josh Schwartz had hinted at Georgina’s return in a past interview, but we’re glad it’s coming to fruition. The more drama, the merrier!

In related news, have you heard the rumor that Georgina will turn out to be Lily and Rufus’ MIA love child? Crazy, right? Well, it’s even crazier when you consider the fact that said love child is (spoiler alert!) ******** * **.”

http://www.gossipgirlinsider.com/2009/01/gossip-girl-spoilers-georgina-sparks-is-back/

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

What do those stars mean???? Someone please tell me!

Also, what happened on New Year’s Eve that Blair is trying to hide from Chuck?

TWO questions of the week…

1) Who is Lily & Rufus’ lovechild?
a. Jack Bass
b. Georgina (waaah? she’s the same age as Dan & Serena!!!)
c. Dorota!!!
d. _________________ (write your own)

2) What happened on New Year’s Eve?
a. Blair slept with Jack
b. They found out that Bart left nothing to Chuck
c. Ryan Seacrest hijacked Dick Clark’s Rockin Eve!!!
d. _________________ (write your own)

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?! How did Jenny suddenly get so tall????

Chuck Bass-terbation

Again, no new GG until 2009 but that doesn’t mean that it’s not on our minds during this holiday season!Right now, especially, our hearts must go out to the hottest orphan on the UES, CHUCK BASS:

Ed Westwick = (Ryan Phillippe+David Caruso)*John Malkovich = Chuck Bass

What truly fascinates me the most is how Chuck consistently rocks the lamest, most flamboyant outfits:

Really? The socks AND the sweater?

The beach equivalent of long johns w/ a cellar door.

When you start matching your lady’s headband, you need to calm the FUCK down.

That tuxedo is one pair of glasses from reaching Elton John status.

Zack Morris was the only other straight male teenager to ever rock patterns as loud as that!

Yet he is still devastatingly sexy!!!

This guy knows how to handle the ladies.

Chuck knows alllllll the tricks.

Baaaad boy!

He and Blair Waldorf are without a doubt the most complex characters on the show (Dan’s introspective blabber and Lily’s craaaazy past have nothing on these guys)!


With the drugs and the chicks and the boozing and the outrageous clothes, all Chuck’s really looking for is love. Validation. He’s searching for himself and his place in the world!!! And he can never truly feel at peace in a world that his mother died bringing him into. The guilt weighs on him every single day and all he can do is escape. ESCAPE!!!

Too late for father and son….

Now he will never be able to find closure with his father However, he has his one true love:

Chuck and Blair!!!

But can he let love into his dark dark heart? Can Chuck Bass be saved?

Question of the Week:
Can Chuck Bass be saved?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Only temporarily, and then he will go back to the dark side
D) Write your own answer

Gossip Girl: Season 2 Awards!

I’m because a) I had to miss the recent Ultimate Gossip Girl Summit III (UGGS3) on Saturday night, and b) this is the first night I’ve been in front of both a computer and a TV on a Monday night at 9pm in weeks, and it’s just a stupidhead rerun tonight!!!

We have to wait until 2009 for a new episode, so I thought I would take this time to reflect on Season 2 in my own miniminiminimini Gossip Girl Summit I (mmmmGGS1).

Creepiest Moment: Nate’s Whoring

With Countess von Sugamamaclientninemilfcougartits.

Corniest Moment: Serena Trying to Strut

Girl, Miss J would rip you to pieces!

Favorite Moment: Catfight!

“Stupid…headband!!!”

Worst Blair Outfit: Post-Yale

Junior high art teacher Barbie or a middle-aged Upper West Side Woman going to a mixer at the JCC or Ugly Betty as a skinny white girl.

Worst Serena Outfit: Um…No THANK you!

People get kicked off Project Runway for shit like this.

Best Serena Outfit: Keeping it Simple

So pretty – and with no boobs hanging out!

Best Blair Outfit: Summer Princess

What a cutie!

Favorite Outfit: Jenny!!!

Her other outfits still sucks, but she knocked it outta the ballpark with this one!

Most Annoying Character: Aaron

Please get outta my face.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Cyrus

WALLACE SHAWN IS LIKE LIBERTY AND SALT – THERE SHOULD BE A LITTLE BIT OF HIM IN EVERYTHING!!!

Gossip Girl: Ding Dong, The Bart is Dead!

Yeahhhh, more Wallace Shawn!!! “…in the midst of death, we are in life!” Wow…

EVERYONE loves this guy!

And finally, a Jew on the UES! Plus, the marriage to Eleanor only seals his future guest stardom – yeehaw!!!

Like a small babe: Is Wallace Shawn the real-life Benjamin Button?!

Can he please get his own spinoff instead of this CRAPPY idizzle:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,465464,00.html

But at least it’s not true:
http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/watch_with_kristin/b72917_gossip_girl_spinoff_rumors_not_true.html

Funeral Gear:
-Serena is wearing strapless to a funeral?!?!?! Girl, WHAT?! Your boobs know no bounds. This is a UES funeral, not Friday nights at The Plumm. She’s such a beacon of beauty that the more somber the occasion, the more skin she shows!

What Serena would wear to an abortion.

-I loved Jenny’s outfit and her bag was HOT. LOOOOVE the huge safety pin. Hawtness! She is a touch goth w/o the Hot Topic factor.

Tim Burton’s daughter.

-I think Eric looks adorable in this episode, but about 11 years old in his coat. He’s like Tiny Tim! “I just lost my stepfather. I don’t want to lose my brother too.” Awwww.

Where is your crutch and Christmas goose, little man?

Best parts of this episode:
-They picked the exact right time to film at Central Park. It looks fucking gorgeous! This is the autumn in New York everyone dreams of. Have not seen NY look like that on TV/film in years. Hooray!!!
-Hilarious how Eleanor feeds Cyrus like a little child. Haha. “Zooooom! Zoom! Here come your capers and onions!”
-I liked that little moment where Nate pointed out how Blair was so sweet and maternal to Chuck at Bart’s wake. I almost forgot that Nate and Blair used to go out!
-Chuck’s dark side – so hot! To Lily: “Don’t touch me, whore!” He looks like a wasted vampire.

Anne Rice’s Chuck Bass.

Grossest moments of this episode:
-I totally don’t buy it that Eleanor and Jenny would just instantly bond over a jacket. Now, that IS shallow.
-When do we see the hilarity of Aaron interacting with his “dad” Wallace Shawn?! WHEN?!?!?! Wearing satin yarmulkes in the same room doesn’t count.
-Who can stand one more of Rufus’ wack acoustic jam sessions: “Nothing feels right when I’m left here on my own….”?!?! Jesus. Take it to Wednesday nights at Spike Hill!

Oh my God, please stop….

Finally, some resolution:
-Why was Lily in the hospital in France?! She killed someone!! She TOTALLY killed someone! Her firstborn child, Serge!
-Blair loves Chuck. Chuck is a dickhead. ARGHGHGHGHGH!!!! Their hug at the end was so beautiful. Catharsis!!!!!!!! But only Cyrus can heal Blair with his elf hug.
-The wedding was beautiful, and Dorota looked like a princess!

IN CONCLUSION:
God, I really hate this asshole.

Aaron = (Vanessa + The Countess)*Georgina ^Cece Vanderwoodsen

Question of the Week:
What happened to Lily and Rufus’ baby?
A) Abortion
B) It died in childbirth
C) It grew up and became Pete Wentz
D) _________________ (write your own)