What the Heck Makes a Man?!

MarieClaire.com recently asked a few of us lady comedians to answer the question “What Makes a Man”?

…and it came out somethin’ hilarious ;)

It’s a cool lil slide show of different “manly” film/TV characters, with our definitions of men beside each pic.  I was STOKED that mine were matched with literally my top celeb crushes, Spock/Zach Quinto and Chuck Bass/Ed Westwick (and Walker, Texas Ranger/Chuck Norris)!

Here’s one of my blurbs:

Click the pic to read the full article on MarieClaire.com

That’s just one!!!  So check out the piece!

I think we did women everywhere proud – we being “some of the funniest women in the country”:  myself, Carolyn Castiglia, Sara Benincasa, Jamie Lee, Chelsea White and Alison Rosen.  We also commentated it up on a previous MC piece,  A Girl’s Guide to the Late Night Fight.

Not all my material was used, so here are a few of the rejects that did not make the cut:

Reject #1 – A man owns lotion, but does not care to use it unless his skin is cracking on top like an oatmeal cookie.

Reject # 2 – A man can tell the difference between the “Family Guy”, “American Dad”, and “The Cleveland Show”

Reject # 3 – A man never orders anything with the word “Chai” in it.

Reject #4 – A man is someone who, as an individual, should never purchase a Bichon Frise.

Reject # 5 – A man is someone who does not realize how awesome shoes are.

Why Star Trek Was So Great!!!

DO NOT READ THIS HERE BELOW IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE AND DO NOT LIKE SPOILERS (UNLIKE ME,WHO LOVES SPOILERS BECAUSE I’M NUMB INSIDE – VULCAN STYLE)!!!

star-trek

This movie was GREAT (to me) for several reasons:

1.  Like, SO many Asians are it.

OBVS, you have to have Sulu in it and John Cho was a great choice.  It’s freaking amazing to see an Asian in a Hollywood production (not portraying a stereotype), like, EVER.  This Star Trek movie had SEVERAL because, well, it kind of makes sense.  There are TONS of Asians on EARTH, so chances are there will be a lot of them in space too.  In addition to Cho, there was Faran Tahir as Richard Robau, captain of the U.S.S. Kelvin.  Also, there was an Asian space doctor (of course) and lots of Asian crew members all up in the back.. Star Trek has always been reppin with George Takei (original Hikaru Sulu), Rosalind Chao (Keiko O’Brien) and Ensign Kim (Garrett Wang), so it was great to see that continued.  Star Date THANKS FOR ACKNOWLEDGING THAT ASIANS EXIST!

2.  You guys, Uhura and Spock had a relationship like that?!?!

That was tight, yo.  It could have played out really rejectedly, but it was kinda hot.  And intense.  I especially liked how Uhura (Zoe Saldana) was kissing superpassionately, but Spock (Zachary Pinto) had, like, a stoic kiss.  Have we ever seen a Vulcan kiss?!  We have now!  And it was awkward in a sexy way – like the male equivalent of a naughty librarian. Which leads me to…

3.  YOUNG SPOCK IS HAWWWWT!!!

Oh my God, are you kidding me?!  First of all, Zachary Pinto is already hot.  Then you turn him into the younger version of one of the most beloved characters in the history of television (and film)?  Oh yeah.  Even that bowl hair cut and funky dunky eyebrow/ear situation can’t hold down the sexiness!  I mean, I already have a weakness for laconic intellectuals.  This was out of control.

4.  This shit was really funny shit.

J.J. Abrams always has a great sense of humor, which is one thing that makes his shows (ok, some of them) great.  He really busted out the hilarity here without taking away from the plot:  the bloated hand sequence with young Kirk, cool one liners from Spock, Simon Pegg (Scottie), and the little alien that hangs with Scottie (“Get down from there!”), etc. etc. etc.  I’ve always found Star Trek (especially TNG) to be chock full of humor.

KAH-DOOZE to J.J. for infusing the movie with great laughs!

5.  It wasn’t that “scary”.

OK, this is probably the most debatable point I’m making here.  Many many people were disappointed that there wasn’t a greater sense of danger, despite the splosions and universe-ending mission.  We know Abrams can do suspense, but in keeping with any of the television series, did ANYONE ever feel scared watching an episode of Star Trek?  (Admittedly, I was sometimes afraid that I might accidentally see someone’s boner through a Federation uniform, but I think that was just my own anxiety issue/perversion/neuroses….)

ANYWAY, there were plenty of life-and-death situations in all the Star Trek series, but none of them had the suspense of “24″ or “X-Files”.  We can’t reasonably expect that level of suspense here either – I mean, there are women wearing regulation go go dancing outfits, for God sakes!  There’s a strong expectation these days for action movies to feel SUPER dangerous – and indeed, some of the previous Star Trek movies did have a greater sense of jeopordy.  However, I think it was a fine choice not to go the “OMGOMGOMG, we’re gonna die” route over and over again with this movie.  There was plenty of danger, but we knew they were going to get out of it somehow – which we all obviously knew coming into the movie anyway, right?

Plus, I am a scaredy cat and that was a fine level of suspense for me.  Jalapeno, not habenero.

6.  Great casting.

I mean, GREAT casting.  Not only did these fuckers look very much like the originals (Karl Urban even has a heart shaped face like the original McCoy), these actors had a fresh take while staying true to the characters.  It was hilarious that Pavel had an even MORE unintellible Russian/somewhat Polish accent – and although the funny accent bit is slightly SNL, the whole thing was as well executed as it could have been.  Most importantly Chris Pine had the Kirk-ness down. He had a really great moment when he sits down as captain for the first time, and we see a GLIMPSE of the future James T. Kirk.  I’m talking Shatner-esque rhythm and gaze.  It was just that subtle, and it worked.

7.  Gorgeous!

The movie was gorgeous.  All the cool effects that you’d want to see.

Yaaaay!  I would definitely see this movie again – especially in IMAX.  This movie was waaaay different from all the other Star Trek movies and series, but it did the job. (That’s right,  J.J. went where no one has gone before.)